Online Green-Light Review from script to screen

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Thomas ward

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  1. tutorphil21 January 2016 at 07:22

    OGR 21/01/2016

    Hi Tom,

    Okay - I've got a few suggestions here for you to think about. For me, it doesn't make sense that the owner of the gnome would put him in the shed because he couldn't look after the garden. More logically, the gnome would just be left outside, forgotten. I think it would make better sense, if, at the outset of your story, we see a new owner of a house just bought, throw the gnome in the shed because he/she doesn't like them. (Lots of people don't). You could set this up very quickly and show the gnome trying to get out but he can't. Then show the seasons passing quickly (snow on top of the shed, leaves back on the trees, rain etc) so we get a sense of years passing - and then we're back in the shed again, the gnome is covered in cobwebs etc. You could set all of this very quickly, and set the scene for the rest of action.

    Another issue for me is why the gnome, who loved the garden, is now entranced by the moon; wouldn't it be clearer for the audience for his goal to get back out into the sunshine - back out into the garden from where he's been exiled? I wonder if it might make more sense for the gnome to use his telescope to see into someone else's garden - someone who loves gnomes - so he's looking at a kind of paradise, somewhere he can belong again. (Question btw - from what household items does your gnome fabricate his telescope? You need to ensure that this seems credible for audiences, so it doesn't feel like a cheat). At present, you've got him breaking out the shed by fabricating a rocket - but again, from what? - and it does beg the question why he didn't do it before. In terms of conflict and tension, I'm wondering if you need an antagonist - for example, a ferocious dog that guards the shed, something the gnome needs to outwit in order to make it to greener pastures.

    In simple terms, I don't think you've got any conflict in your story yet; the gnome is imprisoned by a non-villain, and the relationship between the gnome and the elderly owner isn't the focus of your story at all. The gnome remains trapped in the shed, but builds himself a telescope to look at the moon; then, he builds a rocket and busts out of the shed - the end. This begs too many questions for me - mostly why doesn't the gnome get out of the shed earlier, and why does he want to go to the moon, when he's a 'garden' gnome who's been denied his garden.

    A version in which the gnome is imprisoned on purpose by someone mean, and who is kept trapped inside the shed (by a dog, for example) explains a) why the gnome wants to get out the shed and b) why he can't. Creating the telescope then needs to be an active part of the gnome's escape plans. For example, maybe he notices, via the telescope, that when the postman comes to the house, the dog runs to the fence, creating the opportunity for the gnome to escape? The basic premise of the gnome imprisoned in the shed is great, and making the telescope from oddments is fine too, but at the moment, I don't where the drama is going to come from, and thinking about bringing in an antagonist might indeed be the answer.

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